2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
