Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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