Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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