Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
