dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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