remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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