I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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