He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
