My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
