First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
