I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
