Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
