I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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