I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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