"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
