My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
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