The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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