my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
