I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
