I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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