Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
