New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
