i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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