I'm sorry my penis didn't work
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
