Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
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