I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
