I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
