We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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