how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
