It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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