I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm going to jail i love you
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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