i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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