i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
