did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
