my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
