Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
