let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
