i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
