Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
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The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?