rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
