sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
In America we eat man semen.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??