I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
