Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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