I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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