So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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