I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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