youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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