I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
