Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
its liver damage thursday
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
