Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
