life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
