why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
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He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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