Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
