hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
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my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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