I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
