Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
A+ Viking dick
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
