You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
